


a dream of fall

by bisexualgansey



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: F/F, Internalized Misogyny, Unrequited Love, more like obsession really, this is sort of depressing but cersei is sort of depressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 08:53:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11894298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualgansey/pseuds/bisexualgansey
Summary: sometimes, cersei felt like strangling the little girl she used to be, sitting on her chest and whispering daydreams.





	a dream of fall

**Author's Note:**

> I love cersei ok and she makes me sad so I made myself sadder

the ladies around her were talking, congratulating her on her engagement to robert with their endless chatter. 

cersei wished they'd stop. 

she could never bear the presence of girls, let alone grow fond of them. 

even when she was younger, they had been trying to touch her things, to touch jaime. presuming to get their greedy paws on what wasn't theirs. 

she had loathed their very presence. 

her father felt the same. she never failed to notice the contempt in his eyes when she was surrounded by her ladies in waiting, moving like flies. 

he watched, assessing, never realizing that she would always meet his gaze. 

the fact that he could ever be so misguided as to include her in his disdain still made her skin crawl. how could he be so blind as to mistake her for one of them ? she was more like him than he ever dreamed. she saw them as they were. 

idiots, silly, stupid. all of them.

_all of them but cat. ___

__the memories would always feel like dreams, coming to her in flashes, unreal and overused. but the feelings hadn't gone. it was a weakness but one that haunted her, rather than an indulgence.__

 _ _it would not fade._ _

__but then again, she had always been more, hadn't she ? cat, her cat. more awake, more alive and real than all others. from the minute she had arrived at the rock, already challenging cersei's glare with one of her own._ _

__cersei had known, then. she had known this would be an eventful summer._ _

__they had been ten at the time, mere girls._ _

__a long time ago, now._ _

__there had been this edge to her. cersei remembered it almost like a living thing between them, a space of possibilities, strange and alluring._ _

__it was in the glint of her blue eyes, in her untamed locks of red hair, in the set of her jaws when she misliked something._ _

__cat was a natural phenomenon, unassuming but seething with quiet assurance, ideals, beliefs._ _

__girlhood had never felt shameful with cat. it had simply felt like being with cat._ _

__they'd spend countless days and evenings at the rock, climbing trees and sharing stories. come night, cersei never failed to send away the maids, brushing cat's long, red hair herself, so soft, so abundant in her hands like a curtain of untamable fiery light._ _

_I called her my autumn maid, like in the song. I meant to say that she was mine, mine but she would just laugh._

____

____

she had made her promise. promise never to go away, promise to love her always, promise, promise, promise. 

jaime hadn't been there the whole summer, she remembered. he had gone squiring for some lord and she had been secretly glad of it. all she had wanted was to be alone with cat. 

she would never have shared, not this, not ever. there was no space for jaime to win, to be favored, to be seen. 

not this time. 

how she had raged when her companion had been called back home. cat had tried to soothe her, told her she'd write but how could they ? 

how could they take her away ? 

they could. they did. 

and cat never wrote. 

_girls are stupid. all of them, stupid. and you, even more so._

____

____

she could spot her betrothed in the crowd, towering above all but she knew she was the talk of the evening and none other, a crimson and gold apparition. this was her hour in the sun. 

_and catelyn wasn't here._

____

____

she had thought she would be. she had expected that moment, although it felt bitter to admit it. she had garbed herself, polished herself into a vision, to finally leave her ghost be a ghost. 

but there's no impressing a polite indifference or vainquishing an absence. 

she took a glass of wine from the hands of a page and drank it all. 

all she could do was wonder, escape in her mind, the way she often did. and maybe if she'd close her eyes hard enough, if she really, really tried, time would go back and take away the years on both of them, like feathers falling away. 

they'd be girls back at the rock, again. she'd be singing and cat would close her eyes, golden locks and red hair entangled. nothing would have to change, not ever and cat would be hers again, hers, hers, hers. 

not this idiot stark boy's and his cold, dull eyes. 

_I loved a maid as red as autumn with sunlight in her hair. I loved her well but she went away and left only bitter cold in her wake._

____

____

stupid. so, so stupid. 

cersei took another glass of bitter, muddy wine. she drank and drank waiting for that silly song to stop ringing in her head. 

it _wouldn't._


End file.
